What is Christian courtship?
Courtship is a time to get to know each other, relate, and respect one another. It is not merely a stage before marriage, but an opportunity to learn to love truly. The Church invites living it with depth and joy, because it is the natural path to discern the vocation to conjugal love and prepare for a total and faithful giving.
Getting to know each other: discovering the other to love them better
Courtship is a time of mutual knowledge. In it, two people discover each other little by little: their character, their dreams, their faith, their way of facing life. Whoever has been called by God to marriage needs to know well the person with whom they will share their life. The greater the knowledge, the lower the risk of making a mistake.
Therefore, the Church wishes that before marriage there be a time of courtship, to get to know each other more and thus love each other better. This knowledge is not reduced to external data, but implies discovering the other’s heart: their faith, values, wounds and virtues.
To love is not to be carried away only by feeling. True love integrates feeling, intelligence and will. Feeling ignites, intelligence illuminates and will sustains. Love is not improvised: it is learned, cultivated and decided every day.
Relating: sharing life with sincerity and faith
One cannot know without relating, nor love without sharing. The relationship between engaged partners must be deep and sincere, covering essential topics: faith, vision of family, children, work, values… Courtship cannot be based on appearances or passing emotions, but on the search for the truth of the other.
Christian couples treat each other with respect and patience, knowing that both are fragile and that love requires forgiveness and understanding. It is not about waiting for the other to change, but about learning to love them as they are, and discerning whether both are walking in the same direction.
The relationship also involves recognizing whether there is emotional maturity. Immaturity shows itself when one lives guided by moods, cannot wait, needs attention, or fears commitment. A Christian courtship helps to grow in self-control, to make room for the other, and to cultivate a relationship that is free and sincere.
Respect: love with purity and freedom
Respecting each other means recognizing that the other is a gift, not a possession. Mutual respect is expressed in tenderness, temperance, and chastity. Chastity is not a denial of love, but its noblest defense: it protects the heart and teaches how to love without using the other.
Pope Francis reminds us that courtship is “a time of waiting and preparation, which must be lived in the chastity of gestures and words.” That waiting strengthens love, makes it free, mature, and capable of total self-giving. You cannot build a love forever on the pursuit of immediate pleasure.
Respecting each other also means taking care of communication, avoiding emotional blackmail, and not putting the other in extreme situations. Authentic love always seeks the good of the beloved, not one’s own satisfaction. Thus one learns to love as Christ loved: with patience, with self-giving, and without expecting anything in return.
The three phases of love
We can say that human love has three phases, which do not replace one another but integrate:
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Attraction: arises spontaneously. Someone seems attractive to you; interest and the desire to get to know them are born.
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Falling in love: feelings are on edge. One enjoys the presence of the other and dreams of a future together.
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Decided love: is the most mature phase. Loving is no longer just feeling, but choosing to love: deciding to do so every day, even when it is difficult.
You do not choose feelings, but you do choose love. To love is a decision that involves sacrifice, fidelity, and will. When one loves this way, the feeling returns stronger and deeper, because gratuitous love — given without expecting anything in return — generates joy and fullness.
A path toward true love
Christian courtship is a path to learn to love like Christ: with freedom, tenderness, and self-giving. It is not about seeking perfection, but about walking together toward it, supported by the grace of God.
Living such a courtship is preparing the foundations of a solid marriage. As Pope Francis says, “coexistence is an art, a patient, beautiful and fascinating path that has rules summed up in three words: May I?, Thank you, Forgive.”
Three words that also sum up a holy courtship: respect, gratitude, and constant reconciliation.